So I've more or less settled down into a routine now, it being over a month into school and all. My roommate moved out-- it feels like there's a trend here -___- I swear I'm gonna start getting paranoid here soon-- and my other two roommates hardly ever come out of their room. But whatever. They're nice girls, but sometimes...ughh. Messy messy messy!!
I'm doing a hell of a lot better with coping and dealing with stress than I was last spring, due in part to my having switched medications :) Yay! I feel like a completely different person now. I'm doing my best to toss out old emotional baggage that's been wearing me down for who knows how long, and I think I'm better for it. Building my confidence back up, well, I'm working on it :P It's a process, and we'll see how it goes. Also, I'm setting goals for myself, and while I haven't made them quite yet, I'm gonna do what I can to reach them.
Lately, though, I sometimes get that old pang in my chest where it feels like I'm isolated from everything (not helped by the fact that I have a room by myself and I never see my other roommates >< ), and I hate that fact. I've made friends on campus, so why do I still feel this way? Heck if I know; I just want to find a method of making it go away for good. At the same time, though, I need to realize that time alone isn't necessarily a bad thing, being an introvert who can't socialize well and all :P but having friends is a wonderful thing, too-- even if several of them are going to be or currently are out of the COUNTRY... *mutter mutter*
I've finally gotten my writing (and drawing! :O ) back on track, which I'm very excited about. My current writing project is called 'The Jade Pendant,' and I've been working on it (or have at least had the idea) since about seventh or eighth grade. Hopefully it gets somewhere, unlike all of my other writing, hahaha~. I swear I'll get them all written one of these days ;)
Lastly, I want to add that I just started using Netflix two or so months ago, and it is fantastic. Oh, and eBay is far too addictive to handle in more than the most miniscule doses. ^^; eh heh. Nothing much else to say, but if there is I will hopefully write about it and not completely forget that I have thing this. Later~!
24 September, 2009
07 September, 2009
It's been a while. There's a bit of a rant to follow.
Things have been...insane. Seriously. So much crap has been happening since last I wrote, what, two months ago? O_o I dunno why I all of the sudden just stopped updating, buuuut I decided that I ought to get back in the swing of things. That and, uh, I don't really want to put stuff away right now (because it will just make me angrier about my roommates' idiocy and complete...obliviousness is the only word I can think to describe it).
So I'm back at school, have been for two weeks, going on three now. It's Labo(u)r Day, though, so I don't have class today :P woot? I dunno. I'd honestly rather be in class because it gets me out of this stupid apartment. I'm just frustrated with the complete feeling of isolation-- my roommate is almost never here, and my suitemates hardly ever come out of their room. That, and they apparently can't CLEAN UP after themselves, and they've moved the dishes and crap around TWICE now (and the first time lied about it when I asked them about it...). It's not so much that I mind, I just wish they'd ask everyone, or let everyone know, or somehow include all of us so that it doesn't just come out of nowhere. As well, they may not know how to use the dishwasher, because I came back from the weekend at home to find that it hasn't been run since I left-- I know, because the dishes in there are exactly the ones I put in before I went home. Just because I (and my roommate, in theory at least) am on dishwasher detail this month doesn't mean I'm the only one who can run the dishwasher!!! Ugh! I'm sick and tired of it, and it's only been two weeks. I want to find a way to talk about this with them, but I don't want to sound like a nagging bitch at the same time. >< So frustrating.
LATER: I cleaned a bit (err, a lot), and I feel better. :P Now to get to my homework, and hopefully keep the resolutions of a) staying organized, b) exercising daily, and c) eating better and remembering to eat. Also, resolution to be happier and not worry so much. ^_^ I'm-a workin' on that, haha~. Aaaaaaand to update this blog more often. Come to think of it, I have quite a few resolutions. Hrm...
So I'm back at school, have been for two weeks, going on three now. It's Labo(u)r Day, though, so I don't have class today :P woot? I dunno. I'd honestly rather be in class because it gets me out of this stupid apartment. I'm just frustrated with the complete feeling of isolation-- my roommate is almost never here, and my suitemates hardly ever come out of their room. That, and they apparently can't CLEAN UP after themselves, and they've moved the dishes and crap around TWICE now (and the first time lied about it when I asked them about it...). It's not so much that I mind, I just wish they'd ask everyone, or let everyone know, or somehow include all of us so that it doesn't just come out of nowhere. As well, they may not know how to use the dishwasher, because I came back from the weekend at home to find that it hasn't been run since I left-- I know, because the dishes in there are exactly the ones I put in before I went home. Just because I (and my roommate, in theory at least) am on dishwasher detail this month doesn't mean I'm the only one who can run the dishwasher!!! Ugh! I'm sick and tired of it, and it's only been two weeks. I want to find a way to talk about this with them, but I don't want to sound like a nagging bitch at the same time. >< So frustrating.
LATER: I cleaned a bit (err, a lot), and I feel better. :P Now to get to my homework, and hopefully keep the resolutions of a) staying organized, b) exercising daily, and c) eating better and remembering to eat. Also, resolution to be happier and not worry so much. ^_^ I'm-a workin' on that, haha~. Aaaaaaand to update this blog more often. Come to think of it, I have quite a few resolutions. Hrm...
14 July, 2009
Recent Happenings
I had my nineteenth birthday last Thursday. It passed by with little consequence, except that it is the beginning of the end for my teenage years. It's kinda weird to think about, really. But regardless, it wasn't too bad (even though I had to work ><).
For the past two weeks, I've been obsessed with Alien, Terminator, and to a lesser extent Predator. My friend Jess and her fiancee Andy let me borrow a ton of A/T/P movies and EU books, and I have been enjoying them greatly. In fact, it ripped me quite suddenly from my vampire/werewolf kick and threw me into a non-space opera sci-fi kick. :D
I'm still writing well *knock on wood* and ideas are flowing through my brain like water. I love this feeling, and I hope I can continue this for the rest of my life. If I keep this up, I may have enough story ideas in the next few years to fill hundreds of books and short stories and such like. I won't need to come up with anything else, because I'll have an all-you-can-write buffet :P Eh heh. In any case, I feel so wonderful going back to my roots (sci-fi). This is what I know the best.
School is starting up in about a month and a half. I'm not too upset, though; I'm actually ready to go back, believe it or not. What I'm kinda upset about is that I may not get the kind of room I want in the dorms. Last year I had a 4 person 2 bedroom apartment (aka a double). This year, I want to try and get into a single (a 4 person 4 bedroom apartment), because last year there was much frustration due to sleeping/working/etc. roommates. Also, I can listen to my music at night and actually turn the damn lights on in the bathroom to get ready in the mornings. >< But there's gonna be a waiting list first day of classes that I can sign up to switch rooms. Hopefully that works out...
Work's been going pretty well-- as much as can be expected, anyway. It's boring at times, frustrating at others, but it's the best I'm gonna get for a summer job. 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, no nights, no weekends, $8/hour...I really shouldn't complain (but I do anyway :P ).O well.
For the past two weeks, I've been obsessed with Alien, Terminator, and to a lesser extent Predator. My friend Jess and her fiancee Andy let me borrow a ton of A/T/P movies and EU books, and I have been enjoying them greatly. In fact, it ripped me quite suddenly from my vampire/werewolf kick and threw me into a non-space opera sci-fi kick. :D
I'm still writing well *knock on wood* and ideas are flowing through my brain like water. I love this feeling, and I hope I can continue this for the rest of my life. If I keep this up, I may have enough story ideas in the next few years to fill hundreds of books and short stories and such like. I won't need to come up with anything else, because I'll have an all-you-can-write buffet :P Eh heh. In any case, I feel so wonderful going back to my roots (sci-fi). This is what I know the best.
School is starting up in about a month and a half. I'm not too upset, though; I'm actually ready to go back, believe it or not. What I'm kinda upset about is that I may not get the kind of room I want in the dorms. Last year I had a 4 person 2 bedroom apartment (aka a double). This year, I want to try and get into a single (a 4 person 4 bedroom apartment), because last year there was much frustration due to sleeping/working/etc. roommates. Also, I can listen to my music at night and actually turn the damn lights on in the bathroom to get ready in the mornings. >< But there's gonna be a waiting list first day of classes that I can sign up to switch rooms. Hopefully that works out...
Work's been going pretty well-- as much as can be expected, anyway. It's boring at times, frustrating at others, but it's the best I'm gonna get for a summer job. 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, no nights, no weekends, $8/hour...I really shouldn't complain (but I do anyway :P ).O well.
30 June, 2009
Oh dear...
It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been busy with work and everything lately, so I just haven't really thought about much outside of my writing projects and working. >< I don't have much time before I have to go to work, but I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here! And I plan on throwing in a nice long update later tonight when I get home from work. I have stories to share, don't worry~! It has been an...interesting summer vac, to be sure. Till later, then~
22 May, 2009
Whee~!
1. Moving on is something I have a very hard time in doing. I tend to get hung up and overanalyze things far too often than I should.
2. All I want is to be free of the restrictions society tends to place upon us.
3. My best quality is...uhh...you expect me to know my best quality??
4. I tend to get way too caught up in the little details.
5. In nearly 10 years, I've become a completely different person. I have overcome obstacles, and I've discovered that, despite all my progress, I still have a long way to go.
6. A day at the spa is what I need right now!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to kicking back after work for a three day weekend, tomorrow my plans include absolutely nothing, and Sunday, I want to continue to RELAX
2. All I want is to be free of the restrictions society tends to place upon us.
3. My best quality is...uhh...you expect me to know my best quality??
4. I tend to get way too caught up in the little details.
5. In nearly 10 years, I've become a completely different person. I have overcome obstacles, and I've discovered that, despite all my progress, I still have a long way to go.
6. A day at the spa is what I need right now!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to kicking back after work for a three day weekend, tomorrow my plans include absolutely nothing, and Sunday, I want to continue to RELAX
15 May, 2009
Friday's here- do you know what that means...?
FRIDAY FILL-INS!!!
1. If we had no winter the seasons would be all out of whack.
2. Life is a perpetual astonishment, and every day I seem to find out more about the true nature of what it all is-- and therefore, I learn more of nothing all the time.
3. If I had my life to live over, so far I'd take back some things, wouldn't let myself be influenced by some certain people, and I would definitely do my best to have better health.
4. There's so much that can happen inside of four and twenty hours. It's why no one can yet accurately predict the future.
5. If you've never been thrilled by the beauty of a six a.m. sunrise, you're missing out.
6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to find order in chaos, and chaos in order.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to heading up to Lexington after work and seeing Wes, tomorrow my plans include going to Wes's friend's lake house and hopefully going boating, and Sunday, I want to come back home, relax, and watch Star Trek!
1. If we had no winter the seasons would be all out of whack.
2. Life is a perpetual astonishment, and every day I seem to find out more about the true nature of what it all is-- and therefore, I learn more of nothing all the time.
3. If I had my life to live over, so far I'd take back some things, wouldn't let myself be influenced by some certain people, and I would definitely do my best to have better health.
4. There's so much that can happen inside of four and twenty hours. It's why no one can yet accurately predict the future.
5. If you've never been thrilled by the beauty of a six a.m. sunrise, you're missing out.
6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to find order in chaos, and chaos in order.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to heading up to Lexington after work and seeing Wes, tomorrow my plans include going to Wes's friend's lake house and hopefully going boating, and Sunday, I want to come back home, relax, and watch Star Trek!
12 May, 2009
First Week of Work and Other Bits of News
So...I got a job last week, and yesterday was my first day. I'm working at a daycare (incidentally, the one I went to as a child), 2-6 Monday through Friday. I love it because I don't have to work nights and weekends. :D I can't really say for sure what I think of my job yet, because I've only worked one day, but so far it's not too bad. I just like working with the infants better. The toddlers are tiresome, for lack of a better word. o_O Also, the babies are easy to deal with-- they aren't dirty, or such the like...>< Don't get me wrong, the toddlers weren't TOO bad, it's just they are, erm, hard to remember how to handle. In any case, we'll see how things go from here!
In other news: I've seen the new Star Trek three times already. My review of the movie is almost complete-- I should have it up on the blog soon. It's kinda long, kinda...iono. Spoiler-intensive. :P Not much else is going on since school is over (Note: I got 2 As, 3 Bs, and am keeping my hold on a 3.5 GPA. I am determined to get all As from here on out), and I'm back in a Star Trek mode, therefore I'm back to writing sci-fi. ^_^ Eh heh...
In other news: I've seen the new Star Trek three times already. My review of the movie is almost complete-- I should have it up on the blog soon. It's kinda long, kinda...iono. Spoiler-intensive. :P Not much else is going on since school is over (Note: I got 2 As, 3 Bs, and am keeping my hold on a 3.5 GPA. I am determined to get all As from here on out), and I'm back in a Star Trek mode, therefore I'm back to writing sci-fi. ^_^ Eh heh...
08 May, 2009
This is going to be an interesting round of...
Friday Fill-ins. :P Also, sometime this weekend I'll be posting a rather spoiler-intensive review of the new Star Trek movie, so stay tuned.
And...here we go!
1. Apples are to oranges as Star Trek is to Star Wars.
2. The new Star Trek movie was great, and makes me want to watch Trek again, but leaves me confused and unsure as to what Trek I actually want to watch, and that's all I have to say about that. Until I write my review tomorrow or such.
3. I think I hear the sound of a great sigh of relief on the horizon.
4. Capture the flag.
5. Do what you want to do, but only insofar as it doesn't harm others or infringe on their rights-- that's my personal philosophy.
6. See, there, officer, there's the culprit right thayre, and behind him was a Radio Flyer wagon; in the wagon was a bucket filled with cream cheese! (yeah, this is a little weird. o.O)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing with my Star Trek tapes, tomorrow my plans include having the grandparents here, I assume, as well as finding out my final semester grades, and Sunday, I want to sit back and do nothing while waiting for my first day of work!
And...here we go!
1. Apples are to oranges as Star Trek is to Star Wars.
2. The new Star Trek movie was great, and makes me want to watch Trek again, but leaves me confused and unsure as to what Trek I actually want to watch, and that's all I have to say about that. Until I write my review tomorrow or such.
3. I think I hear the sound of a great sigh of relief on the horizon.
4. Capture the flag.
5. Do what you want to do, but only insofar as it doesn't harm others or infringe on their rights-- that's my personal philosophy.
6. See, there, officer, there's the culprit right thayre, and behind him was a Radio Flyer wagon; in the wagon was a bucket filled with cream cheese! (yeah, this is a little weird. o.O)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing with my Star Trek tapes, tomorrow my plans include having the grandparents here, I assume, as well as finding out my final semester grades, and Sunday, I want to sit back and do nothing while waiting for my first day of work!
03 May, 2009
Screaming is a therapy
Or ranting, at least. I am so close to the end, and I need OUT. I am so close to the end, and yet it is just dragging out so much that I want to go home now, screw everything else, and just curl up in bed and wait for it to blow over.
But then, I have two damn days left, and surprisingly still have work left to do T_T I really, really hope next semester isn't like this. I don't remember my finals week being this bad in fall semester, but then again, finals weren't separated by a freakin' weekend. If I'd had finals on Monday last week, I'd be DONE with school already. Mostly. Sorta. More or less. Guh.
Next week I'm gonna have to also go check on the job I'm hoping to get at my former daycare. I applied during spring break, but I haven't heard back from the owner yet, and I told her I could start on May 11th. *sigh* Maybe I'll hear something early next week, and I won't have to go through the trouble or actually going over there and asking her if she's going to need me this summer. Also, I don't want to have to go out and find another job. -.-
Oh, and another thing: I am kinda pissed about my stupid writing class. I love it so much, but still-- I thought I was done worrying! I am seriously afraid of getting a bad grade in that class! I think I'm pretty safe in Math, Honors, and Psychology, but Astronomy I'm not too sure, and ironically enough it's Writing that is my other main concern. T_T If only my semester hadn't been so screwed up because of my own stupid issues, maybe this wouldn't be so much the case. Ugh. Oh, well, I'm hopeful that, if my revised drafts are good enough, I might be able to pull out a decent grade (aka an A or B), and not fail (aka C or lower). *sigh* I really want to know my grades, and yet I kinda don't. We'll find out in a week from tomorrow, I guess...
But then, I have two damn days left, and surprisingly still have work left to do T_T I really, really hope next semester isn't like this. I don't remember my finals week being this bad in fall semester, but then again, finals weren't separated by a freakin' weekend. If I'd had finals on Monday last week, I'd be DONE with school already. Mostly. Sorta. More or less. Guh.
Next week I'm gonna have to also go check on the job I'm hoping to get at my former daycare. I applied during spring break, but I haven't heard back from the owner yet, and I told her I could start on May 11th. *sigh* Maybe I'll hear something early next week, and I won't have to go through the trouble or actually going over there and asking her if she's going to need me this summer. Also, I don't want to have to go out and find another job. -.-
Oh, and another thing: I am kinda pissed about my stupid writing class. I love it so much, but still-- I thought I was done worrying! I am seriously afraid of getting a bad grade in that class! I think I'm pretty safe in Math, Honors, and Psychology, but Astronomy I'm not too sure, and ironically enough it's Writing that is my other main concern. T_T If only my semester hadn't been so screwed up because of my own stupid issues, maybe this wouldn't be so much the case. Ugh. Oh, well, I'm hopeful that, if my revised drafts are good enough, I might be able to pull out a decent grade (aka an A or B), and not fail (aka C or lower). *sigh* I really want to know my grades, and yet I kinda don't. We'll find out in a week from tomorrow, I guess...
01 May, 2009
I Didn't Forget This Week! ..
Here's this week's Friday Fill-in fun! Sorry I forgot about 'em last week... ><
1. The first rule of working in an office and getting along is most likely be friendly and don't be an ass about things, especially to your boss. I've never worked in an office before, so I'm probably not the best one to ask.
2. What do clams have to do with anything?
3. When I think of carnivals I think of that weird Barbie detective game I used to be OBSESSED with as a kid.
4. Hybiscus would have to be my favorite spring flower.
5. Things on my desk include a computer, pencils, papers, CDs, sometimes pretzel bags, pictures, a dictionary, a vase of (fake) flowers...that was me combining my school desk and my home desk.
6. My Astronomy tests, stupid people, and idiotic internet make me wanna scream.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching the Oaks, maaaaaaaybe hanging out with a friend of mine as poooooooooooossibly celebrating Beltane, and I can't tell you how much I'm NOT looking forward to studying today, tomorrow my plans include seeing WES and going to his friend's Derby party and Sunday, I want to RELAX and PACK but the former won't happen because I have to study for my finals on Monday! But Mum and Dad are coming that night to take me out to dinner ^^
***Rants will be forthcoming after finals are over. Stay tuned. : )
1. The first rule of working in an office and getting along is most likely be friendly and don't be an ass about things, especially to your boss. I've never worked in an office before, so I'm probably not the best one to ask.
2. What do clams have to do with anything?
3. When I think of carnivals I think of that weird Barbie detective game I used to be OBSESSED with as a kid.
4. Hybiscus would have to be my favorite spring flower.
5. Things on my desk include a computer, pencils, papers, CDs, sometimes pretzel bags, pictures, a dictionary, a vase of (fake) flowers...that was me combining my school desk and my home desk.
6. My Astronomy tests, stupid people, and idiotic internet make me wanna scream.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching the Oaks, maaaaaaaybe hanging out with a friend of mine as poooooooooooossibly celebrating Beltane, and I can't tell you how much I'm NOT looking forward to studying today, tomorrow my plans include seeing WES and going to his friend's Derby party and Sunday, I want to RELAX and PACK but the former won't happen because I have to study for my finals on Monday! But Mum and Dad are coming that night to take me out to dinner ^^
***Rants will be forthcoming after finals are over. Stay tuned. : )
17 April, 2009
It's time for another round of...
FRIDAY FILL-INS!!! :D
And...here we go!
1. Join me in welcoming the END of the semester! The herald to the summer months of awesomeness!
2. Put a little time in your day! Trying to be organized and prepared for school is hard, but it only gets harder the closer it gets to the end!
3. Happiness is being yourself: whether it be reading a book alone by the pond, or laughing and loving on a warm spring day.
4. Been DAZED and confused for so long without you~...this may not have been my first CD ever *cough*sister*cough* ;P But I do like that song! ^.^
5. I'm waiting for a chance to breathe again.
6. Procrastinating is hard to resist.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Jess, tomorrow my plans include getting mah hair done and going to THUNDER OVER LOUISVILLE with my bestest best friend, and Sunday, I want to get back to school early and get my work done so that I don't have to worry the last week of my first year of college!
And...here we go!
1. Join me in welcoming the END of the semester! The herald to the summer months of awesomeness!
2. Put a little time in your day! Trying to be organized and prepared for school is hard, but it only gets harder the closer it gets to the end!
3. Happiness is being yourself: whether it be reading a book alone by the pond, or laughing and loving on a warm spring day.
4. Been DAZED and confused for so long without you~...this may not have been my first CD ever *cough*sister*cough* ;P But I do like that song! ^.^
5. I'm waiting for a chance to breathe again.
6. Procrastinating is hard to resist.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Jess, tomorrow my plans include getting mah hair done and going to THUNDER OVER LOUISVILLE with my bestest best friend, and Sunday, I want to get back to school early and get my work done so that I don't have to worry the last week of my first year of college!
10 April, 2009
Friday Fill-ins!
It's time, once again, for Friday Fill-ins!
1. Anonymous...is a pointless thing to be. If you've got something to say, have the balls to say it out loud and not hiding behind an internet or other persona.
2. Change is a double-edged sword, for as we reach toward the sky with new ideas, we cannot forget our roots and that which led us to where we are today.
3. Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for when I get all this crazy schoolwork done I will feel SO much better!
4. Thunderstorms, holidays, and the end of school are what I look forward to most about Spring.
5. Who needs therapy when, well, you are IN therapy! Hahaha. No, seriously, when you have good friends and a good book into which you can escape, then you're pretty much set. But for the times when that isn't always enough, therapy is a better option than drugging oneself up (I, unfortunately, have both).
6. CHOCOLATE MUST go into the Easter Basket! As someone who isn't Christian, my "Easter" (actually it's called Ostara...I'll post something about that and Beltaine later this weekend) has already happened about a month ago. So, while I wish all observers of the holiday a happy one, and a lovely Passover to those who follow that slant as well, I shall indulge in chocolate that I really don't need but love regardless
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing and writing while watching One Tree Hill, tomorrow my plans include going shopping for my bridesmaid dress for my friend Jess' wedding, as well as working on schoolwork, and Sunday, I want to finish all the work I need to have done, and clean my dorm room!
1. Anonymous...is a pointless thing to be. If you've got something to say, have the balls to say it out loud and not hiding behind an internet or other persona.
2. Change is a double-edged sword, for as we reach toward the sky with new ideas, we cannot forget our roots and that which led us to where we are today.
3. Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for when I get all this crazy schoolwork done I will feel SO much better!
4. Thunderstorms, holidays, and the end of school are what I look forward to most about Spring.
5. Who needs therapy when, well, you are IN therapy! Hahaha. No, seriously, when you have good friends and a good book into which you can escape, then you're pretty much set. But for the times when that isn't always enough, therapy is a better option than drugging oneself up (I, unfortunately, have both).
6. CHOCOLATE MUST go into the Easter Basket! As someone who isn't Christian, my "Easter" (actually it's called Ostara...I'll post something about that and Beltaine later this weekend) has already happened about a month ago. So, while I wish all observers of the holiday a happy one, and a lovely Passover to those who follow that slant as well, I shall indulge in chocolate that I really don't need but love regardless
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing and writing while watching One Tree Hill, tomorrow my plans include going shopping for my bridesmaid dress for my friend Jess' wedding, as well as working on schoolwork, and Sunday, I want to finish all the work I need to have done, and clean my dorm room!
09 April, 2009
Blowing off steam and wool-gathering
So this week has been highly stressful. It's not going to get much better, sadly, because it's almost the end of the semester and I have so much to do! Papers, essays, and all sorts of things that I just can't seem to handle. I want a day off just to breathe, but there's no time for even that. Once it gets to the end I'm just going to COLLAPSE and take a weekend to recover. Part of the problem seems to stem from the fact that my medication doesn't seem to be working very much anymore, and that's really, really bad. Thankfully, though, I have a doctor's appointment in a week or two, so I can talk to him about switching my meds.
Something else that's been bothering me is BOYS. I've been seeing this guy Wes since last August, and things are going well enough as can be expected with a semi-long-distance "relationship." However, I've been apparently catching the eye of quite a few other guys here at school, who all happen to be geeks (which doesn't bother me, seeing as I'm a geek too), and who all are really cool guys...as friends. It's just saddening and confusing, when these other guys seem to all be wanting me but the only one I want is constantly frustrating me and I don't know where I stand with him. I must just be a glutton for punishment or something, because I don't see why I keep doing this to myself. It's the same sort of thing with my last boyfriend, Andy-- where we were great together, but didn't see each other all that often (but unlike with Wes, Andy and I hardly got to talk at ALL due to his work situation, where as Wes and I have a fairly regular communication system), but I latched myself to him because I wanted the relationship to work and wouldn't consider other guys.
I'm the type of chick who can't date a bunch of guys. I have to find ONE guy who I can have a long-term relationship with, and finding someone like that doesn't happen often for me. I have slight infatuations rather often, but I only find "that" guy every once in a while, which is why I haven't had many boyfriends. I want that with Wes, but as we're in relationship limbo I don't know what to do. I need to talk to him about it all but it's a terrible time to do so what with finals and all coming up, so...I'm kinda stuck. (Dammit.)
All right, that's my rant for today. I'm gonna take some time off for the afternoon before I get some cleaning done tonight. Later~!
Something else that's been bothering me is BOYS. I've been seeing this guy Wes since last August, and things are going well enough as can be expected with a semi-long-distance "relationship." However, I've been apparently catching the eye of quite a few other guys here at school, who all happen to be geeks (which doesn't bother me, seeing as I'm a geek too), and who all are really cool guys...as friends. It's just saddening and confusing, when these other guys seem to all be wanting me but the only one I want is constantly frustrating me and I don't know where I stand with him. I must just be a glutton for punishment or something, because I don't see why I keep doing this to myself. It's the same sort of thing with my last boyfriend, Andy-- where we were great together, but didn't see each other all that often (but unlike with Wes, Andy and I hardly got to talk at ALL due to his work situation, where as Wes and I have a fairly regular communication system), but I latched myself to him because I wanted the relationship to work and wouldn't consider other guys.
I'm the type of chick who can't date a bunch of guys. I have to find ONE guy who I can have a long-term relationship with, and finding someone like that doesn't happen often for me. I have slight infatuations rather often, but I only find "that" guy every once in a while, which is why I haven't had many boyfriends. I want that with Wes, but as we're in relationship limbo I don't know what to do. I need to talk to him about it all but it's a terrible time to do so what with finals and all coming up, so...I'm kinda stuck. (Dammit.)
All right, that's my rant for today. I'm gonna take some time off for the afternoon before I get some cleaning done tonight. Later~!
03 April, 2009
Friday Fill-Ins
1. Angel or not, I will always try to keep a good head on my shoulders, even when I do things I ought not do. There is a line I will not cross.
2. I cannot be used in any way you want me. I have my own needs and wants, though they sometimes overlap and coincide.
3. As my mother used to say, you're full of yourself.
4. I like to take a long hot bath while reading a good book after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous.
5. Even in the most crowded of rooms you can always find me either in the corner or surrounded by a group of nerds.
6. Monday is a day fraught with peril.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having the apartment to myself, tomorrow my plans include D&D, cleaning, and working on some papers and Sunday, I want to relax but I have to study and also have my Phi Eta Sigma initiation ceremony!
2. I cannot be used in any way you want me. I have my own needs and wants, though they sometimes overlap and coincide.
3. As my mother used to say, you're full of yourself.
4. I like to take a long hot bath while reading a good book after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous.
5. Even in the most crowded of rooms you can always find me either in the corner or surrounded by a group of nerds.
6. Monday is a day fraught with peril.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having the apartment to myself, tomorrow my plans include D&D, cleaning, and working on some papers and Sunday, I want to relax but I have to study and also have my Phi Eta Sigma initiation ceremony!
21 March, 2009
I swear I'm actually studying! Really!
Just because I'm watching the History Channel doesn't mean I'm not studying! I mean, there's this programme about stellar astronomy, and I'm reviewing a lot of my Astronomy notes by watching it. ^_^ Heh. It's really awesome when you can watch a TV special and actually know what they're talking about beforehand.
Here's an interesting story: A long time ago, when I was a kid, I had some friends that were the kids of my mum's (now former) best friend, named Josh and Jeremy. Now, when our mums lost touch, I didn't hear from them in, oh, maybe twelve years (and that's a generous estimate). Recently, though, my dad sent me a link through Facebook about Josh-- he's now a video game composer! I found his Twitter, started following him, and he actually REMEMBERS me! O_o Isn't that crazy? He also found me on Facebook, which is really cool. XD Things like that are really neat, when you can find people you used to know through the internet. Personally I think this is what the internet should be used for...but if you aren't careful, you find the cesspools of teh intarwebz such as 4chan and crap like that. Crap is being quite, quite generous when describing that....*shudders* place. I refuse to set a digital foot there. XP
Okay, yeah, the Pearl Harbor attack was bad and all, but seriously, which was worse: that, or the TWO ATOMIC BOMBS that WE dropped on JAPAN?? Not to mention that they aren't allowed a standing army, when Germany is? Hrm. Now, don't think I'm trying to defend the attack, but it just pisses me off. Everyone was in the wrong during that war. Even the Americans. I hate WWII with a passion. It's why I avoid that topic like the plague whenever I research history. Ughh. I know WAY too much about it. I mean, hell, I did a 10-page paper on Japanese militarism in sophomore year of high school. I stop liking Japanese history after the Meiji era, personally. Honestly, I just avoid modern history in general, now that I think about it, and American history as much as I can. I took AP American History, but I greatly disliked it. Ironically, I actually lied the Great Depression era of American history the most. XP Pre-Atomic Age US history and post-WWI history America is my favorite (tho' I must say my two favorite presidents, the Roosevelts, are both outside that era...haha).
Sometimes I kinda wish the History Channel would focus outside of the World Wars and European/North American history. Give me some stuff about the Chinese emperors, or the African continent prior to the disasporic slave trades! I love the stuff about the Mongols, because it's not European. At least the History Channel is getting this stuff quite accurate, which makes me happy. Okay, now I'm off my soapbox. ^^
Here's an interesting story: A long time ago, when I was a kid, I had some friends that were the kids of my mum's (now former) best friend, named Josh and Jeremy. Now, when our mums lost touch, I didn't hear from them in, oh, maybe twelve years (and that's a generous estimate). Recently, though, my dad sent me a link through Facebook about Josh-- he's now a video game composer! I found his Twitter, started following him, and he actually REMEMBERS me! O_o Isn't that crazy? He also found me on Facebook, which is really cool. XD Things like that are really neat, when you can find people you used to know through the internet. Personally I think this is what the internet should be used for...but if you aren't careful, you find the cesspools of teh intarwebz such as 4chan and crap like that. Crap is being quite, quite generous when describing that....*shudders* place. I refuse to set a digital foot there. XP
Okay, yeah, the Pearl Harbor attack was bad and all, but seriously, which was worse: that, or the TWO ATOMIC BOMBS that WE dropped on JAPAN?? Not to mention that they aren't allowed a standing army, when Germany is? Hrm. Now, don't think I'm trying to defend the attack, but it just pisses me off. Everyone was in the wrong during that war. Even the Americans. I hate WWII with a passion. It's why I avoid that topic like the plague whenever I research history. Ughh. I know WAY too much about it. I mean, hell, I did a 10-page paper on Japanese militarism in sophomore year of high school. I stop liking Japanese history after the Meiji era, personally. Honestly, I just avoid modern history in general, now that I think about it, and American history as much as I can. I took AP American History, but I greatly disliked it. Ironically, I actually lied the Great Depression era of American history the most. XP Pre-Atomic Age US history and post-WWI history America is my favorite (tho' I must say my two favorite presidents, the Roosevelts, are both outside that era...haha).
Sometimes I kinda wish the History Channel would focus outside of the World Wars and European/North American history. Give me some stuff about the Chinese emperors, or the African continent prior to the disasporic slave trades! I love the stuff about the Mongols, because it's not European. At least the History Channel is getting this stuff quite accurate, which makes me happy. Okay, now I'm off my soapbox. ^^
Stole this idea from my sister...
It's this thing called 'Friday Fill-ins,' and I thought I'd give it a whirl (even though it's technically half an hour into Saturday...so what? XP )
1. Why do we have to go so long between winter break and spring break in college?
2. Checking Twitter and Facebook every five minutes while studying are now habits.
3. I have a conference this next weekend in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and the name of that town makes me giggle. A lot.
4. I had never heard the phrase "FML" and it stands for 'fuck my life'. Very handy as a college student.
5. This year, I refuse to have an end of the school breakdown the way I always do.
6. How was I to know that I'd have a hard time keeping up with a daily routine in college?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to SLEEPING!, tomorrow my plans include working on my novel and Sunday, I want to relax, fix up my iTunes library, and play NeverWinter Nights!
1. Why do we have to go so long between winter break and spring break in college?
2. Checking Twitter and Facebook every five minutes while studying are now habits.
3. I have a conference this next weekend in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and the name of that town makes me giggle. A lot.
4. I had never heard the phrase "FML" and it stands for 'fuck my life'. Very handy as a college student.
5. This year, I refuse to have an end of the school breakdown the way I always do.
6. How was I to know that I'd have a hard time keeping up with a daily routine in college?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to SLEEPING!, tomorrow my plans include working on my novel and Sunday, I want to relax, fix up my iTunes library, and play NeverWinter Nights!
21 February, 2009
Because Blogger hates me.
If you've been wondering where I've been for almost a week, it's been due to my EXTREME stress these past few days. I've had so much work to do for classes, not to mention emotional issues still needing the kinks worked out, and therefore haven't had much time to do a whole hell of a lot else. I haven't even played D&D in weeks!! (I miss it so much *tear*)
There is one thing I've had time for, and that's playing Pokemon (still). I'm about 13 hours into Emerald, and it's really making me want to buy a DS Lite so's I can play on my own systems and not have to borrow from my roommate. Birthday present, perhaps...? XD
Random: My kitty is absolutely adorable. ^_^ She's been missing me a lot lately from what my parents tell me, and Mum says she hasn't been eating so well... *sadness* I don't want my kitty to waste away!! But she is almost fourteen years old, so...yeah...
One last thing-- I hate Kentucky/Southern Indiana weather. I hate it. Fuck you, Ohio Valley! You knock me down, over and over, and hit me around with allergies all year round! But I must be crazy, since I could have gone ANYWHERE for college, and where did I decide to go?? A college in fucking New Albany. And where do I want to go for grad school?? A college in Louisville. I must be insane. -___- Sheesh.
There is one thing I've had time for, and that's playing Pokemon (still). I'm about 13 hours into Emerald, and it's really making me want to buy a DS Lite so's I can play on my own systems and not have to borrow from my roommate. Birthday present, perhaps...? XD
Random: My kitty is absolutely adorable. ^_^ She's been missing me a lot lately from what my parents tell me, and Mum says she hasn't been eating so well... *sadness* I don't want my kitty to waste away!! But she is almost fourteen years old, so...yeah...
One last thing-- I hate Kentucky/Southern Indiana weather. I hate it. Fuck you, Ohio Valley! You knock me down, over and over, and hit me around with allergies all year round! But I must be crazy, since I could have gone ANYWHERE for college, and where did I decide to go?? A college in fucking New Albany. And where do I want to go for grad school?? A college in Louisville. I must be insane. -___- Sheesh.
15 February, 2009
Here's how it is....
Things haven't been so wonderful for Bree and me lately-- we both had a pretty shitty week, not gonna lie. But while our weekends both started out great, hers continued to be pretty awesome (at least I think so?) and mine went down and flatlined. Haha. So what did I do for the Valentine's Day? I hung around my parents' house for a while, then came back to school and played Pokemon. Then while my roommate went out on a date, I went....grocery shopping. Fun times!!! (or...not.) Anyways, today I'm feeling kinda crappy, and I have an Astronomy test tomorrow, and homework to do, and... *sigh* I just have no desire to do anything right now. I also have this Lodge Council meeting tonight at 6:30, and Game Night that I'm probably supposed to be hosting after that...and I really don't want to go. I wish I could just get sick so I would have an excuse not to-- I'm not gonna fake it (as much as I'd love to do just that!)...
LATER: No need for pretending...looks like I might actually be getting sick. -_- Not so fun. But I must keep going, for justice! And the sake of my grades...and my sanity...here's to Advil and stuff. Yeah. I'm off for now.
LATER: No need for pretending...looks like I might actually be getting sick. -_- Not so fun. But I must keep going, for justice! And the sake of my grades...and my sanity...here's to Advil and stuff. Yeah. I'm off for now.
12 February, 2009
So I've been playing some fighting games today...
Heh, not exactly fighting games, but um...well, it's a pretty popular game, you might have heard of it....
Okay, yeah, I've been playing Pokemon all week.
...
Don't laugh at me! It's fun...! My roommate Bree is letting me borrow her GameBoy Micro so's I can play Pokemon Ruby, Sapphire, and Emerald. What I really want to do is snatch her GameBoy Advance and play the old Blue, Red, and Yellow-- those are the Pokemon I remember! Back in the good old days, where there were only 151 freaking Pokemon, not all these new-fangled 'Torchic' and 'Treecko' stuff. Back then, when we found a Mew, we used our Master Ball to catch it, and we didn't complain! We had to walk uphill, both ways, in the SNOW and ICE for FIFTEEN MILES just to get to a new city in our game! And we liked it, dammit!!!
Wow, that was amusing ^-^ I'm feeling kinda silly this evening, which is a LOT better than I was this afternoon. It has not been a fun week. Now I'm going to go play some more Pokemon, watch Hellsing Ultimate, Grey's Anatomy, and Speed Racer, and hopefully write some stuff. Oh, and clean up a little. That's another thing. Ugh... >< Lots to do this weekend! Aah!
Okay, yeah, I've been playing Pokemon all week.
...
Don't laugh at me! It's fun...! My roommate Bree is letting me borrow her GameBoy Micro so's I can play Pokemon Ruby, Sapphire, and Emerald. What I really want to do is snatch her GameBoy Advance and play the old Blue, Red, and Yellow-- those are the Pokemon I remember! Back in the good old days, where there were only 151 freaking Pokemon, not all these new-fangled 'Torchic' and 'Treecko' stuff. Back then, when we found a Mew, we used our Master Ball to catch it, and we didn't complain! We had to walk uphill, both ways, in the SNOW and ICE for FIFTEEN MILES just to get to a new city in our game! And we liked it, dammit!!!
Wow, that was amusing ^-^ I'm feeling kinda silly this evening, which is a LOT better than I was this afternoon. It has not been a fun week. Now I'm going to go play some more Pokemon, watch Hellsing Ultimate, Grey's Anatomy, and Speed Racer, and hopefully write some stuff. Oh, and clean up a little. That's another thing. Ugh... >< Lots to do this weekend! Aah!
09 February, 2009
This is actually a serious post, for once.
In doing my research on mental health and the history of, as well as researching ADHD for a paper I'm writing for a class, I have inevitably come across some comments about this little disorder that didn't sit well with me. And it came it a point where I had to shoot my mouth off. But I did it responsibly, and I didn't curse or yell or call people stupid (well, directly, at least). I gave them information that I have found in my research and they could take it or leave it. So here for your viewing pleasure is a comment I posted on a blog that had something to say about the supposed 'myth' of ADHD. I'm going to put additional personal comments to the end, though, so if you don't care to hear my emotional raving, just skip this entry.
I'd like to say to the naysayers of ADHD-- it is a real issue, and a serious one at that. Just because it's 'overdiagnosed' doesn't mean a thing-- ever think it might be due to better instruments of testing? As someone who's had ADHD-related issues her whole life, I can tell you that it is a lot worse than you think. Those who don't have mental illnesses or disorders aren't fully capable of understanding what it's like for those who do. Who are you to say that these very real problems are all in our head? As a child, I struggled to do well in school-- I'm bright, but I can't concentrate worth anything. I am easily distracted, making up patterns in my head and often completely losing track of what happens. This continues even today, when I am out of childhood and have what is known as 'Adult ADHD.'
Another myth that I can debunk right now is that parents of children with ADHD use it as an excuse for their child to be lazy and inefficient with their schoolwork. Not so for mine. My mother and father were adamant in not allowing my disorder to interfere with me getting a good education, and it has definitely paid off.
To whomever said that the medication we take for ADHD is dangerous and causes mental deficiencies [one of the commenters on the blog post], would you care to cite those sources where you found that information? I'm a Psychology student, and I have never heard this come up. Yes, methylphenidates (the main drugs found in such medications as Ritalin, Concerta, and Aderol) are in the same family as stimulants, but they affect the ADHD brain differently than they do those without the disorder. ADHD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the prefrontal cortex of the brain-- this is proven by numerous CAT scans of ADHD brains as opposed to those brains without the disorder.
Perhaps it's 'overdiagnosed,' but you must also keep in mind that 1 in 4 cases of ADHD also turns out to be bipolar disorder, which is almost indistinguishable from ADHD in children. As well, ADHD and normal childhood inattention/hyperactivity are distinct from one another in the way it affects the children. To be diagnosed with ADHD, one must be found to have severe problems in social, educational, and home environments to the point where it is incredibly difficult for the person being diagnosed to function normally.
ADHD has always existed; it's only now, when we have the technology to differentiate it from other, 'normal' issues, that we can understand the truth of the matter. I'd recommend reading about how psychological diagnoses are carried out; it might help in the understanding of the whole process. I can tell you from personal experience that it is no fun for the tester or the one being diagnosed, but it's important in order to help people function normally and be able to live productive lives.
So whether or not my words have had any effect on you, I've said what I need to say about my disorder. It's a real issue, one that many people sadly don't understand well enough to pass judgment.
And on a personal note...
As someone who's lived with ADHD, I can tell you that it is hard, very hard, to get through the day without my medication. When I take it, it isn't always apparent, but when I don't take it, or when it wears off, I definitely notice a difference in my ability to concentrate and stay calm and focused. I was always in trouble as a child, and my parents said I was a completely different child when I had my medicine-- different in that I could calm down, stay focused longer, and generally be far more productive than I had before. I was a wild child, to be perfectly blunt, and I had no control over what I did. I was six years old when I was diagnosed, nearly thirteen years ago, and when I recently read my psychological evaluation from that testing, I cried. I honestly and truly cried. I cried for my parents, who had to deal with me; I cried for the psychologist, who'd written that it had been an 'ordeal' for us both to get through the assessment; and I cried for myself, when I read the words that 'Lauren's...greatest fear is that "[she] will never pass the first grade."' I hadn't remembered that for all those years, but when I read that, it all hit me straight in the gut, rushing back to me in a flood of emotions and memories. The report talked of how I seemed impatient, but unusually bright for my age; how the psychologist and my mother both were amazed I had the disorder, since ADHD children aren't usually very good readers (they stopped testing my reading level in second grade). We later figured out that it was what they call 'hyperfocus,' which allows ADHD people to focus with greater intensity on certain activities (which, incidentally, is why Michael Phelps is so damn good at swimming-- seriously).
Some other problems I had were-- and sometimes still do-- depression and isolation. I saw a therapist for a little while in the fifth grade-- 10 years old. I had more behavioral problems cropping up, so much that they gave me what they called a 'point sheet.' They used it for behaviorally-challenged kids at my elementary school, the bad kids, and I had to have one. You would give it to your teacher (or teachers, like PE, music, art, science, and regular), and they gave you so many points for how well you behaved during that class. It was embarassing, and shameful, that I had to do that after every class period. I felt awful about it. Worse yet was that I had no friends in my class-- the one boy who I'd been friends with the year before was in a different class than me. My teacher had to ask some of the girls to be my friends-- ironic, since one of them is now one of my best friends, and my college roommate. It's funny how these things turn out, isn't it? But I didn't know this until years later, and when I found out I felt betrayed, really. Here I'd been thinking that they liked me for who I was, despite of all my problems, and it turned out that they'd been asked to be my friends. Even today, I still wonder if people are my friends because they want to be, or because they feel obligated to be.
I also suffered bouts of depression in seventh and eleventh grade. Both times my grades and my life in general suffered. There was one point in high school where my mother threatened to send me to alternative school if my grades didn't improve. I think that it was a combination of my ADHD-related issues, my teenage emotions, and the overall situations surrounding me at the time that led to these 'deep blue funks,' as my mother calls them. Isolation tends to happen to me more naturally than I'd like it-- I have neurotic periods that tend to freak people out, especially when I'm getting ready to hit my low points.
But the worst part isn't the concentration issues, or the isolation. It's when people act as though ADHD isn't even real. Have they ever dealt with it? Have they ever suffered the way we who have it do? They don't know what it's like, so who are they to judge? It didn't used to affect me as much, because I didn't really get it, but in the past few years I've gotten a little upset, almost angry even, when people make an 'ADD joke.' It's not in good taste to joke about people with cancer, so why would you do that with a mental disorder? And yes, I consider ADHD a mental disorder-- maybe not along the lines of severity of schizophrenia, but a mental disorder nonetheless. I just don't think it's right, or nice, but rather rude and mean-- though this may not always be intentional, to be fair. Rather, I think that it's a 'joke' made out of ignorance and misinformation, which is in dire need of...well, fixing is the best word I can think of right now. People need to be educated on these types of matters.
On the other hand, yes, it is fully possible for someone to be misdiagnosed. Yes, it is true that some parents use it as an excuse for their children. Yes, nothing is ever proven fact in any science-- even a 'social science,' as psychology is considered to be. But really, people? Think about it: in the 19th century, people believed that there were two kinds of mental problems, and they were mania and melancholy. Well, look how wrong they are. Forty years ago, homosexuality was labeled as a mental disorder! Now, scientists have possibly discovered the genetic-- I hesitate to say 'quirk'-- trait that may indicate homosexuality (for gods' sake, people, even freakin' penguins and monkeys can be gay, okay?! ). It just proves how things evolve over time.
In conclusion, and I know I've rambled a lot, know what you're bashing before you do so. Research things, know what you're talking about, and be informed. Try not to hurt people's feelings and all that, mmkay?
That's all I've got. I'll let that simmer for a few days or so before I can collect my thoughts and return to some semblance of normalcy. Later, everyone~
I'd like to say to the naysayers of ADHD-- it is a real issue, and a serious one at that. Just because it's 'overdiagnosed' doesn't mean a thing-- ever think it might be due to better instruments of testing? As someone who's had ADHD-related issues her whole life, I can tell you that it is a lot worse than you think. Those who don't have mental illnesses or disorders aren't fully capable of understanding what it's like for those who do. Who are you to say that these very real problems are all in our head? As a child, I struggled to do well in school-- I'm bright, but I can't concentrate worth anything. I am easily distracted, making up patterns in my head and often completely losing track of what happens. This continues even today, when I am out of childhood and have what is known as 'Adult ADHD.'
Another myth that I can debunk right now is that parents of children with ADHD use it as an excuse for their child to be lazy and inefficient with their schoolwork. Not so for mine. My mother and father were adamant in not allowing my disorder to interfere with me getting a good education, and it has definitely paid off.
To whomever said that the medication we take for ADHD is dangerous and causes mental deficiencies [one of the commenters on the blog post], would you care to cite those sources where you found that information? I'm a Psychology student, and I have never heard this come up. Yes, methylphenidates (the main drugs found in such medications as Ritalin, Concerta, and Aderol) are in the same family as stimulants, but they affect the ADHD brain differently than they do those without the disorder. ADHD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the prefrontal cortex of the brain-- this is proven by numerous CAT scans of ADHD brains as opposed to those brains without the disorder.
Perhaps it's 'overdiagnosed,' but you must also keep in mind that 1 in 4 cases of ADHD also turns out to be bipolar disorder, which is almost indistinguishable from ADHD in children. As well, ADHD and normal childhood inattention/hyperactivity are distinct from one another in the way it affects the children. To be diagnosed with ADHD, one must be found to have severe problems in social, educational, and home environments to the point where it is incredibly difficult for the person being diagnosed to function normally.
ADHD has always existed; it's only now, when we have the technology to differentiate it from other, 'normal' issues, that we can understand the truth of the matter. I'd recommend reading about how psychological diagnoses are carried out; it might help in the understanding of the whole process. I can tell you from personal experience that it is no fun for the tester or the one being diagnosed, but it's important in order to help people function normally and be able to live productive lives.
So whether or not my words have had any effect on you, I've said what I need to say about my disorder. It's a real issue, one that many people sadly don't understand well enough to pass judgment.
And on a personal note...
As someone who's lived with ADHD, I can tell you that it is hard, very hard, to get through the day without my medication. When I take it, it isn't always apparent, but when I don't take it, or when it wears off, I definitely notice a difference in my ability to concentrate and stay calm and focused. I was always in trouble as a child, and my parents said I was a completely different child when I had my medicine-- different in that I could calm down, stay focused longer, and generally be far more productive than I had before. I was a wild child, to be perfectly blunt, and I had no control over what I did. I was six years old when I was diagnosed, nearly thirteen years ago, and when I recently read my psychological evaluation from that testing, I cried. I honestly and truly cried. I cried for my parents, who had to deal with me; I cried for the psychologist, who'd written that it had been an 'ordeal' for us both to get through the assessment; and I cried for myself, when I read the words that 'Lauren's...greatest fear is that "[she] will never pass the first grade."' I hadn't remembered that for all those years, but when I read that, it all hit me straight in the gut, rushing back to me in a flood of emotions and memories. The report talked of how I seemed impatient, but unusually bright for my age; how the psychologist and my mother both were amazed I had the disorder, since ADHD children aren't usually very good readers (they stopped testing my reading level in second grade). We later figured out that it was what they call 'hyperfocus,' which allows ADHD people to focus with greater intensity on certain activities (which, incidentally, is why Michael Phelps is so damn good at swimming-- seriously).
Some other problems I had were-- and sometimes still do-- depression and isolation. I saw a therapist for a little while in the fifth grade-- 10 years old. I had more behavioral problems cropping up, so much that they gave me what they called a 'point sheet.' They used it for behaviorally-challenged kids at my elementary school, the bad kids, and I had to have one. You would give it to your teacher (or teachers, like PE, music, art, science, and regular), and they gave you so many points for how well you behaved during that class. It was embarassing, and shameful, that I had to do that after every class period. I felt awful about it. Worse yet was that I had no friends in my class-- the one boy who I'd been friends with the year before was in a different class than me. My teacher had to ask some of the girls to be my friends-- ironic, since one of them is now one of my best friends, and my college roommate. It's funny how these things turn out, isn't it? But I didn't know this until years later, and when I found out I felt betrayed, really. Here I'd been thinking that they liked me for who I was, despite of all my problems, and it turned out that they'd been asked to be my friends. Even today, I still wonder if people are my friends because they want to be, or because they feel obligated to be.
I also suffered bouts of depression in seventh and eleventh grade. Both times my grades and my life in general suffered. There was one point in high school where my mother threatened to send me to alternative school if my grades didn't improve. I think that it was a combination of my ADHD-related issues, my teenage emotions, and the overall situations surrounding me at the time that led to these 'deep blue funks,' as my mother calls them. Isolation tends to happen to me more naturally than I'd like it-- I have neurotic periods that tend to freak people out, especially when I'm getting ready to hit my low points.
But the worst part isn't the concentration issues, or the isolation. It's when people act as though ADHD isn't even real. Have they ever dealt with it? Have they ever suffered the way we who have it do? They don't know what it's like, so who are they to judge? It didn't used to affect me as much, because I didn't really get it, but in the past few years I've gotten a little upset, almost angry even, when people make an 'ADD joke.' It's not in good taste to joke about people with cancer, so why would you do that with a mental disorder? And yes, I consider ADHD a mental disorder-- maybe not along the lines of severity of schizophrenia, but a mental disorder nonetheless. I just don't think it's right, or nice, but rather rude and mean-- though this may not always be intentional, to be fair. Rather, I think that it's a 'joke' made out of ignorance and misinformation, which is in dire need of...well, fixing is the best word I can think of right now. People need to be educated on these types of matters.
On the other hand, yes, it is fully possible for someone to be misdiagnosed. Yes, it is true that some parents use it as an excuse for their children. Yes, nothing is ever proven fact in any science-- even a 'social science,' as psychology is considered to be. But really, people? Think about it: in the 19th century, people believed that there were two kinds of mental problems, and they were mania and melancholy. Well, look how wrong they are. Forty years ago, homosexuality was labeled as a mental disorder! Now, scientists have possibly discovered the genetic-- I hesitate to say 'quirk'-- trait that may indicate homosexuality (for gods' sake, people, even freakin' penguins and monkeys can be gay, okay?! ). It just proves how things evolve over time.
In conclusion, and I know I've rambled a lot, know what you're bashing before you do so. Research things, know what you're talking about, and be informed. Try not to hurt people's feelings and all that, mmkay?
That's all I've got. I'll let that simmer for a few days or so before I can collect my thoughts and return to some semblance of normalcy. Later, everyone~
04 February, 2009
In which Lauren discovers that Anna Nalick was right about one thing
I just need to breathe...things have been hectic lately, and it's all in my mind. How ironic, neh? I long ago learned that I have almost no capacity to deal with stress, and yet I constantly create stress for myself out of...well, I don't even know what. Honestly, I have homework to do, I really ought to go to the library and return those freakin' books and get some new ones, and yet, I feel not at all compelled to do so. How lazy am I?! Maybe I just need a boost of concentration. Oh, ADHD, have you made me such a procrastinator that I can't even tell if it's your fault or mine anymore? Hahaaa, how pathetic.
I don't excuse my behavior by blaming it all on the disorder, though-- it was probably a part of me to begin with, but my little mental issue has most likely enhanced it -__- But there are one or two things I thank it for, one of them being my Hyperfocus Ability (lovely little unexpected perk, there), which gives me +2 to Concentration checks when it's a Favored Skill. (Yeah, nerdy talk. Deal with it.)
Okay, I think I have sufficient motivation to brave the cold and head over to the library. It'll give me something to do, anyways, so why the hell not? I might as well pack up my notebooks and make it an afternoon affair. XD Well, that is, after I get something more substantial to eat and charge up my iPod a little...oh, yeah, and I have to pick up my roommate's trombone...so dammit! Thwarted by outside factors once again! I will go to the library today, though, I swear. I've made my mind up about it. ^^
Damn...I still have homework for Honors to do, and an application for housing next year that I need to turn in...and I probably ought to make an appointment with Dr. Day about resuming counseling sessions... *sigh* So much to do!!!
Addendum: Just remembered that I'm gonna be over at the library tomorrow afternoon, so it'd be stupid to go today...*dumbass*
I don't excuse my behavior by blaming it all on the disorder, though-- it was probably a part of me to begin with, but my little mental issue has most likely enhanced it -__- But there are one or two things I thank it for, one of them being my Hyperfocus Ability (lovely little unexpected perk, there), which gives me +2 to Concentration checks when it's a Favored Skill. (Yeah, nerdy talk. Deal with it.)
Okay, I think I have sufficient motivation to brave the cold and head over to the library. It'll give me something to do, anyways, so why the hell not? I might as well pack up my notebooks and make it an afternoon affair. XD Well, that is, after I get something more substantial to eat and charge up my iPod a little...oh, yeah, and I have to pick up my roommate's trombone...so dammit! Thwarted by outside factors once again! I will go to the library today, though, I swear. I've made my mind up about it. ^^
Damn...I still have homework for Honors to do, and an application for housing next year that I need to turn in...and I probably ought to make an appointment with Dr. Day about resuming counseling sessions... *sigh* So much to do!!!
Addendum: Just remembered that I'm gonna be over at the library tomorrow afternoon, so it'd be stupid to go today...*dumbass*
03 February, 2009
A Quick Word from our Sponsors
Today has been absolutely ridiculous. Yesterday I slept too late to make it to my math class at a reasonable time (since breakfast and minimal make-up are essential to my morning routine), and this morning I woke up half an hour before needing to leave for my writing class. And I'm still tired. -_- Basically Lauren needs sleep, and she hasn't gotten much in the past few days (maybe staying up till 2:30 a.m. Sunday night wasn't the best idea ever...), so it's kinda putting a crimp in her attempts to get an education this week.
More on this later-- I'm off to go take a nap and do some homework. In that order. >_< So tired...
More on this later-- I'm off to go take a nap and do some homework. In that order. >_< So tired...
02 February, 2009
Let's try this again, shall we?
Okay, I've had this blog for a while, but was never really satisfied with it, so I'm starting anew. Same blog, different look, all new posts. It's AilithLite! DietBlog! Yeah, sorry, lame. Anyways, introductions are probably in order. I'm Lauren, but I go by Ailith, or Miho (although my gamer tag isn't any of those-- ha). Usually I'll just go by whatever suits me at the time. I'm a freshman/sophomore in college, majoring in Psychology. I'm a writer, an artist, and an all around crazy chick. I will give you a word of warning, though: The content of this blog contains foul language (unsuitable for young children), liberal points of view (unsuitable for staunch conservatives), psychological rants (unsuitable for Scientologists-- no offense, guys!--or people very firmly based in reality/normalcy), and/or unusual religious beliefs (unsuitable for fundamentalist *insert religion here*). ^_^ As long as we're clear on that, I think we can get along just fine.
Another thing: I'm diagnosed ADHD (13 years and counting), so I might tend to ramble or get a little metaphysical at times. Please understand that this is just how my mind works-- I can't help it, especially when I'm writing. Read enough of my blog, or anything else I write for that matter, and you'll (probably) get used to it. Heh.
Today was the first day back from our unexpected break last week-- my college pretty much says, 'We won't even close school if the apocalypse itself were upon us!' Yeah, we had four days canceled and one day of delay (Tuesday through Friday, and Saturday, respectively). You're funny, university! Very funny. I was going stir crazy there on Saturday after being trapped in this apartment (it's a dorm, but more like an apartment than traditional student housing on most campuses) for nearly a week! Ughh. Not so fun. I did get out of the building today, though, which was nice. Tons of snow and ice melting all around campus was not so nice, though. Just for reference, I live and go to school on two different sides of the Ohio River, and the side I live on was one of the hardest hit areas by the recent WINTER STORM OF '09. Yeah, glad I didn't decide to go home last weekend! My parents had no power all last week, but thankfully got it back on Sunday. I'll say this for my school: it may be small, and kinda boring at times, but damn if the power's not reliable. Even last fall when the WIND STORMS OF '08 knocked out power in this area for a week or two, it flickered here. That's it, that's all, and we were thankful. Yesh indeed we were.
So I have class in about an hour and a half...yeah, not fun. It's Astronomy, though, which I do enjoy, but...7:30-10:00?? What the hell was I thinking?! I wasn't, apparently, that's what that means. Ha! I guess I am kinda ridiculous. Oh, that's right-- I still have homework to do for tomorrow! Yeahhhh...that'll be done when I get back from class tonight. We're going to some planetarium at a HIGH SCHOOL an exit up the interstate, and I'm thinking...why the fuck does F---- C------ High School have a freaking -planetarium-? o.O Yeah, it makes no sense. But I like planetariums, so it should be pretty cool!
Lately I've been getting back into the whole 'space' thing. I'm remembering about space camp, I've been reading this book 'Failure is Not an Option' by Gene Kranz, I have Astronomy class tonight for crying out loud...yeah, that and I've been talking about asteroid mining. This is more definitive proof that I'm a nerd. HAH.
Another thing: I'm diagnosed ADHD (13 years and counting), so I might tend to ramble or get a little metaphysical at times. Please understand that this is just how my mind works-- I can't help it, especially when I'm writing. Read enough of my blog, or anything else I write for that matter, and you'll (probably) get used to it. Heh.
Today was the first day back from our unexpected break last week-- my college pretty much says, 'We won't even close school if the apocalypse itself were upon us!' Yeah, we had four days canceled and one day of delay (Tuesday through Friday, and Saturday, respectively). You're funny, university! Very funny. I was going stir crazy there on Saturday after being trapped in this apartment (it's a dorm, but more like an apartment than traditional student housing on most campuses) for nearly a week! Ughh. Not so fun. I did get out of the building today, though, which was nice. Tons of snow and ice melting all around campus was not so nice, though. Just for reference, I live and go to school on two different sides of the Ohio River, and the side I live on was one of the hardest hit areas by the recent WINTER STORM OF '09. Yeah, glad I didn't decide to go home last weekend! My parents had no power all last week, but thankfully got it back on Sunday. I'll say this for my school: it may be small, and kinda boring at times, but damn if the power's not reliable. Even last fall when the WIND STORMS OF '08 knocked out power in this area for a week or two, it flickered here. That's it, that's all, and we were thankful. Yesh indeed we were.
So I have class in about an hour and a half...yeah, not fun. It's Astronomy, though, which I do enjoy, but...7:30-10:00?? What the hell was I thinking?! I wasn't, apparently, that's what that means. Ha! I guess I am kinda ridiculous. Oh, that's right-- I still have homework to do for tomorrow! Yeahhhh...that'll be done when I get back from class tonight. We're going to some planetarium at a HIGH SCHOOL an exit up the interstate, and I'm thinking...why the fuck does F---- C------ High School have a freaking -planetarium-? o.O Yeah, it makes no sense. But I like planetariums, so it should be pretty cool!
Lately I've been getting back into the whole 'space' thing. I'm remembering about space camp, I've been reading this book 'Failure is Not an Option' by Gene Kranz, I have Astronomy class tonight for crying out loud...yeah, that and I've been talking about asteroid mining. This is more definitive proof that I'm a nerd. HAH.
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